The Scheme for 2018

By nature, I am a planner.  Compound this with my engineering/technical background and throw in my artsy-fartsy side and you end up with about a 1000 spreadsheets detailing insane plans that include 3 4 6-month tours of Italy, prices of apartments in Portugal, and our plans for 2018.

Of course, since we want to go somewhere, we could just go there, but no, I have to turn it into some insane, Instagram-fueled adventure that in reality will just end with a lot of blurry photos and stories about a large number of mishaps at budget hotels.  But it’s not the first time, and it certainly won’t be the last.  So hold onto your travel-sized bottles of mediocre toiletries you stole from a hotel last year because here’s our adventure to make it to Buenos Aires in 2018.


Argentina flag
Vamos a Buenos Aires!


First, since Mardi Gras is my favorite holiday EVER, we are staying in New Orleans until the end of February.  This should give us enough time to finish renovations on our house, sell our shit, and gain too much weight eating King Cake.  In reality, I’ll get most of it done, but I’ll also piss away too much time riding my bike to parades, drinking tiki drinks, and nursing my hangovers.


mardi gras
Lookin good on a Mardi Gras day


To give my liver a fighting chance that it will last until I’m 40, we are leaving New Orleans and heading out to the Pacific North West for two months.  We’ve rented a small but livable cabin while we move our official residency to Washington to save on income tax.  Unfortunately, our small budget wouldn’t cover an apartment in any city with a sizable population, so we are going rural.  That means that besides complaining about the line at the DMV for new licenses, we will spend our free time doing things like hiking, riding bikes, and digging up clams.  Hopefully, the small diner in town has an early-bird special where we can spend our time talking shit about the young whippersnappers and lamenting how things used to be.


Old men arguing
So I tied an onion onto my belt because that was the style at the time


I haven’t spent much time in Canada, or much time investigating the weather in Canada during May, so I came up with The Great Canadian Road Trip 2018.  Modeled after the only-semi-disastrous Great American Road Trip of 2006, my brain pooped out a month-long plan to drive from Vancouver to Halifax.  For forty-some days, we will be exploring the Canada and its’ wonders including Edmonton and Winnipeg.   No really, most of our time will be spent in places like Banff, Vancouver, Toronto, and too many caves to count (I don’t know why I like caves so freakin’ much!).


Canadian Rockies
It’s so pretty it almost makes me like nature


At this point, it will be winter in Buenos Aires, and after 6 months of winter, the thought of 4 more months of winter makes me want to move to God’s waiting room, Florida. Not ready to dive into that miserable existence, we are spending summer in the Northern Hemisphere.  Wanting to be close to Miles’s family, we picked one of our favorite cities, Montreal.  We’ll spend our summer making our French less laughable, dancing tango, shopping at Jean Talon, and riding Bixis everywhere, mostly in a vain attempt to lose the King Cake weight, see above.


Fat cat
More King Cake please


Once the summer ends, so does our sojourn.  In early October, we leave for Buenos Aires, just in time for summer.  Our days in one of the most beautiful cities on the planet will be spent in countless queues, inside painfully beautiful government buildings, trying to survive the run-around without completely losing our shit, while we get Miles Argentine residency.  After that, we plan to spend the rest of 2018 drinking Fernet & coke to our hearts’ content, in order to keep my brain from hatching too many stupid plans for 2019.